The risk is that this behavior can progress up to and past the point of no return.įortunately, it’s fairly easy to understand one’s own flirting habits. But if one person pursues over another, that person may have to slightly distance themselves and end up doing this through flirtation with others.
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Len calls that process the “ineffective pursuer-distancer cycle.” In relationships, parties need a certain amount of space to feel safe and stable.
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The one thing all the experts seem to agree on is that flirting can lead to emotionally dishonest behaviors that can jeopardize the foundations of committed relationships. “I’ve found that sometimes women perceive happily married men as flirting with them when they are not flirting with them at all,” says relationship coach Christine Baumgartner. On the other side, women sometimes struggle to diagnose the nature of male attention. Studies show that most men overestimate how attracted women are to them. “Whatever he’s getting from flirting, he needs to speak with his wife about wanting to feel more of that with her,” she warns.ĭespite their rhetoric, it’s quite possible that what separates Silverman and Xuma is actually a fundamental disagreement about the concept of flirtation, which is subjective and confounded by general idiocy. According to Silverman, flirtation is a symptom of being dissatisfied with some aspect of the relationship. “I may be taking a controversial stance here, but happily married men don’t flirt,” says marriage and family therapist Meredith Silverman. Of course, not every couple agrees on this and neither does every expert. “One of the most misunderstood factors of a man’s sense of virility and masculinity is the ability to feel marketable.” “The more his partner feels insecure and fights this natural need, the more a man will feel constrained in the relationship,” he says. But he takes this a step further, suggesting that it’s not just healthy, but perhaps vital for a man. Men are no different from women in their need to feel desired or their ability to leave it at that, relationship coach Carlos Xuma adds. Though it might feel odd for a husband to tell his partner a story that begins, “So I was flirting with the bartender…,” there’s some virtue in truth and some intimacy to be derived from an honest discussion of emotional needs. What a buffet of options.Īs the motivations for flirting are so diverse, however, therapists and psychologists recommend that the behavior be understood both by men and their partners within a broader psychological and social context. According to the research, men flirt for six main reasons: to get sex, to explore what it would be like to be in a relationship, to strengthen a relationship, to try to get something, to increase self-esteem, and, well, to have fun.
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Research about flirting published in Sex Rolesadds more context, and applies to both men and women. In a flirtatious interaction, there is a level of unknown that creates excitement, and an ego boost.”
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“A man can deeply love and care for his partner, but he or she is secure to them. “Some couples have great communication skills and trust in which they use flirtation as a way to maintain self-identity and mystery in their relationships,” explains Cassandra Len, a licensed marriage and family therapist with Forgewell Solutions. But what is flirting, exactly, when it comes to married men? And why does it happen? Is flirting cheating? Is it wrong?